February 22, 2017

13 Ways of Looking at a Cracked Turd, or Exit Strategies Post Election 2016

1) PETA organizes "Operation Guinea Pig" to mock Trump's hairstyle and also to insinuate psychotropic drugs into his hair products...Faced with a relentless and apparently unstoppable onslaught to his vanity, exacerbated by the drugs' effects on his already tenuous mental processes, Trump's head explodes one morning. The entire operation was funded through the sale of bumper stickers in other countries that read: "My guinea pig is smarter than your President."

2) Steve Bannon's (mostly paid) gay lovers come out of the closet, releasing thousands of emails from him. Paul Ryan does a taunting dance in Congress, waving a briefcase of printed-out emails above his head, and shouting childish insults at Trump and Trump's current wife. Mike Pence has an apoplectic seizure and is rushed away to hospital, but dies en route because he refused treatment from a lesbian paramedic. Remaining Trump cabinet members "move farther down the bench", and ultimately lobby to impeach Trump "because stupid". David Duke commits suicide. No one weeps.

3) Vengeful Hillary supporters convince First Lady Melania to order all of her new clothing from their secretly selected group of fashion consultants, resulting in a wardrobe comprised entirely of couture pantsuits with coordinating Hermes head scarves. Even her lingerie consists of lace and mesh pantsuits. When Trump predictably protests her new style, she tells him, "You are not the boss of me, you big bully", strangles him with a handy head scarf, and is taken away shouting 
something about "moose and squirrel".

4) A battered blue phone-box, also known as a TARDIS, appears above Washington, D.C. Doctor Who must save us from ourselves. I hope someone films it for the holiday 2017 episode. 

5) Trump succumbs to a mysterious food-borne illness, later revealed to be accumulative arsenic poisoning via food sourced from a variety of food trucks: "Murderous Miguel's Tacos", "Halal Hijabi's Shwarma", "Capitol Hillel's Kosher  Killer Sandwiches", and "Malcom's XX Barbecue". Trump's minions admit that they failed to notice anything odd about the dodgy food truck names, saying, "It all sounds foreign to us."  

6) Joe Biden decides to take one for the team, and destroys Trump and the entire Cabinet with an arsenal of automatic weapons purchased whilst twitching, frothing at the mouth and shouting random obscenities.

7) The US and the UK agree to a ‘bigot exchange’; then argue over which country has to take more of them. In utter disgust, Queen Elizabeth reveals that she has terminal cancer, and straps on an explosives vest for her state visit with Trump. Her last words are reported to have been, “We are NOT amused, you intransigent buffoon.” 

8) Pussy Riot operatives secretly replace Trump with a crotch-sniffing, carpet-pissing, snappish circus dog wearing a mohair toupee. No one notices.

9) Viagra and Cialis stockholders and CEOs unite against the Trump regime over a catastrophic fall-off in prescriptions due to the collective depression’s effect on American libido. They force other members of the super-secret ‘Insane Autocrats’ Club’ to fund a coup against charter member Trump (coup code name :“Tiny Hands”) by threatening to cut off their own access to ED drugs and Botox. Kim Jong-Un’s contribution was, perhaps unsurprisingly, the biggest.

10) Trump cracks open one morning and thousands of tiny but deadly alien invaders spill out of him, revealing his presidency to be an elaborate alien Trojan horse plot. They take over the world, tweeting effusively about their victories under the hashtag “#smallerbutsmarter”. World leaders trample each other to be first to welcome the new overlords, correctly observing that “things can only get better.”

11) “Vlad the Mad” Putin has Trump murdered by his own security forces over a private quarrel between them about “Who’s the fairest of them all?” He then has thousands of leaflets dropped on Washington, all bearing bare-chested photos of himself cavorting with tame bears. After a year or so of Trump, it doesn’t seem that weird anymore.

12) Thousands of overworked, underpaid, utterly exploited garment industry workers in various third world nations who were making Trump family product lines rise up in protest. Using funding from a number of nations’ covert ops agencies, they descend on Washington en masse, armed only with the safety pins on their lapels. After successfully agitating for a meeting with the President, their delegates rush up to trump and knock him to the floor, where they proceed to safety pin him to the carpet and call him names. He dies of sheer humiliation before security forces subdue his mostly female attackers, muttering, “nasty...nasty...nasty” as he expires. 

13) In an unprecedented scientific collaboration, hundreds of the world’s top researchers produce a working time machine. They use it to go back in time, accompanied by a team of Planned Parenthood clinicians, and sterilize Trump’s ancestors. Then they go to the year 1787, where they remove the Electoral College from Constitutional Convention documents. For good measure, they stop off in the year 2015 and kidnap all senior members of the DNC who pushed Hillary Clinton over Bernie Sanders as the Democratic candidate of choice. We all wake up one morning and rejoice.

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