April 18, 2018

Eye-Candied Apple

Apple will soon unveil their exciting new product, the I-man...Building on their innovative personal electronics line, the I-man is a life-sized, fully-customizable gentleman. It's likely to be very expensive, though; Apple hasn't released a suggested retail price, but it will most likely be very cost-competitive compared to marriage, or even to long-term dating. Company reps envision I-man replacing traditional dating to a large degree within a few years after launch of product. Described as "Tinder without the trouble, and Grindr without the grit", they confidently expect consumer reception to be robust.

The product line will be available in a huge variety of finishes---eye, skin, and hair color are configured in many different combinations with custom options available at additional cost. There are five different heights available in standard models, with four basic body configurations to choose from. The product comes with what company spokespeople refer to as "demographic standard genitalia", but there is a mail-in form for further customization to ensure complete customer satisfaction and optimal performance. The preferences menu will allow the happy owner to set parameters for all kinds of data storage, security features, and sexual preferences, although the latter are still in development as of this writing. You can create a randomizable menu of daily routine playlists and "lock out" other users. The software for managing the I-man is said to be quite similar to the I-tunes program: but instead of music or video playlists, the user can compile personality traits, mental abilities, and linguistic preferences. Some pre-programmed options, for example, include "Artist/Musician"; "Academic"; "Hipster"; "Fortune 500" model (said to be boring, but possibly useful for social occasions by test subjects); "Boy Next Door" (highly customisable); "Redneck" (available on base model and North American markets only); and a "Meet-the-Parents" model, which is still in development. "Gamer Geek", "Fundamentalist", and "Politico" models were test-marketed, but rejected during the research and development trials by most users. Trial users praised the I-man's reliability, ease of use and maintenance, versatility, sweet temperament, and near-psychic ability to infer and play what the user would like to hear and do at any moment. Even the base model will come with a broad range of supplemental practical skills, including housework, home and auto repairs, cooking (may be customized to accommodate dietary needs), and tech support for most household electronics. Apple regrets that for the foreseeable future, child care is not an option, stating that the potential for legal liability was too great. Likewise, all models will be completely sterile, which most users actually rated as a huge plus.

The company anticipates a possible sell-out upon release, but states that they are confident they will be able to meet demand subsequently, although pre-ordering will be necessary. I-man is being manufactured in an undisclosed location, but industry insiders speculate that the majority of components are from Japan and Germany, making it reliable but expensive to repair. I-man will work for up to seven days on one full charge, and can be recharged on-the-fly via the included charging kit with cables for wall socket or car lighter use. I-man is unique among electronic devices in requiring a weekly recharge with cheap beer; Apple developers indicate that they are working on this, but believable replication of male behavior was mysteriously inseparable from the beer. As I-man has shown no other objectionable traits like aggression or dominance, their success rate is still most impressive.

When queried as to a forthcoming I-woman, Apple admitted that their original prototype brief was for a female model, but stated that they have no plans to market an I-woman at this time, saying: "Our research and development teams found that female minds and bodies were not readily susceptible to technological simulacra, and the functions needed were too unpredictable and multifarious... All trial models failed to perform to expectation." Apparently they were unable to create a product that had the necessary complexity and flexibility to imitate women; an unidentified Apple employee stated that all test models were disappointingly lacking in multi-tasking ability, and unconvincing in emotional range execution. Battery life was reported to be low, and even regular proximity to wine and/or chocolate showed no improvement. However, they are expected to keep working on the "Stepford" prototype, as demand for it, despite its limitations, would be huge. The porn industry is rumoured to be interested in a more rudimentary version, even in beta, but Apple executives had no comment on that.


  1. This is by far one of my vary favorite of your ideas. We need to get it published... It's brilliant!

  2. I laughed so loudly I actually startled Merlin, (quite a feat).

    There is so much brilliance here. Not least of all the ingenious cheap beer recharge.

    irishjeni is right - it must be published, dear heart. xx

    1. i figure it might be a trifle offensive, in some quarters...and apple probably would sue me! but i am happy it has amused...


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